The List

Day: Unknown

Location: Hollenschlund

The “Lincoln Blues” have struck me like a tidal wave. It is a bleak day, indeed, in the capital city. And though I find solace in the promise of tomorrow, I suffer in the discord of today.

This was an entry in The Captain’s Log, a notebook I kept at work and never used, save for four brief observations. One of them was just a sad face. Hollenschlund, by the way, is a fun German word that roughly translates to “the jowls of hell”. I don’t really know when I wrote that, because I actually logged it as presented above. Another was simply dated as “Winter, 2013”.

I have never really been a fan of positive reinforcement. When I ran cross country in high school I had a great coach. He helped shape the man I am today. We would run the race, and he would go somewhere on the course, yell encouragements to each of us, then run ahead so he could do it all again. We would see him four or five times every race, and each time he would yell “good job,” or “keep it up.” Most normal people appreciated that. 12 minutes into my race, though, I wanted to hear something else. I talked with him after one of our meets and said, “Coach, tell me I can do better. Tell me you expect more.” It was a hard adjustment for him to make, not only because that wasn’t the kind of person he was, but because he also didn’t want to be seen yelling what could be seen as discouragements to his athletes. But he did it, because he cared, and because that is what I had wanted. Eventually he was saying “you can go get those guys,” “the two leaders are dying, and if you go this race is yours,” “move up,” “you can do better,” etc. That’s what I respond best to, and that’s what I needed.

Anyway, positive reinforcement doesn’t generally do it for me. So when I started writing a list called “Reasons Why Travy is Lucky”, I didn’t expect much from it. In fact, it started off with my health–and since I saw it simply as something to do, I wasn’t even serious. I have asthma, and sometimes my heart has some issues, so my first item on the list was “Aside from debilitating asthma and an unreliable heart, I am very healthy.” But as delved further into my project, I became more engaged and started valuing it more. And honestly, it worked.

Well, on with it then! (I imagine this is probably what you’re saying [in a British accent], as this, like most of my posts, is little more than ramblings with no apparent direction). I intended to keep the list, and there were a lot of good things on it. But it did its job. Things were better, I was happy, and I didn’t really need it any longer. I misplaced it, and I didn’t miss it. For the first time in a long time, though, I need it. I need that reminder that there is still light in the darkness, and I need to remember that there is hope even in despair. Thus, what follows is a list of reasons why I am lucky.

• I am healthy.
• I have great coworkers.
• I live in Colorado.
• I work in a job that allows me to meet all kinds of people from all over the world and from all walks of life.
• I am surrounded by like minded people. Success inspires success. Motivation breeds motivation. And I am surrounded by some of the best role models I could want. I get to watch the triumphs of friends who are runners, cyclists, and triathletes, and it inspires me.
• I have had some of the most successful coaches training and teaching me, and I have cool and successful teammates, friends, and mentors helping me grow and succeed as a cyclist.
• In traveling to races I have visited and discovered places that I would never have otherwise seen.
• I’ve ridden in redwood forests, through vineyards in wine country, through a forest of saguaro cacti, across the golden gate bridge, in the mountains of Colorado, across the plains of the midwest, downtown in big cities, and on gravel roads with no cell service and no signs of civilization for miles.
• I work on the 16th St Mall in Denver, which is home to cafes, restaurants, and shops that are unique and wonderful.
• Whether it be through work, cycling, random luck, or networking, I have relationships with the coolest people. And I mean I guess that includes dating–I have dated some really wonderful, talented, caring, beautiful girls–but it certainly isn’t exclusive to dating. I have the coolest friends, people I could call on at 3 am who I know would be there for me. My support network is outstanding.
• I have gotten to meet a ton of professional athletes. These are people who inspire others: olympic medalists, national champions, super bowl champions. These are people’s heroes, and I know them.
• My parents, no matter what, always support me and tell me they’re proud of who I am and what I’ve done.
• I was raised well. My parents cared about me, and they set me up for success.
• They taught me to cook well. I love good food, and I love being able to create it.
• I like learning, which is great because I live in an age where information and knowledge is freely available. On my phone. That’s pretty cool.
• I grew up in one of the most beautiful parts of the world.
• I have lived and worked in culturally diverse environments which allowed me to learn, and to see things from different perspectives.
• I’m not very good at giving up. That perseverance, dedication, or tenacity has led me to assume success is going to come. And, given time, it usually has.
• I have a diverse set of interests, quirks, hobbies, and tastes that allows me to connect easily and naturally with people.
• In 2014 I received postcards from France, Croatia, Belgium, and various states in the US. I like postcards; I started getting one at each race I went to (I got three when I was in LA) last year to either keep or send…but that came derailed when I went to Iowa City. I didn’t get one there, and I didn’t get one the next weekend in La Crosse, Wisconsin, or at any races thereafter. I’ll try to be more vigilant this year.
• I have my bachelor’s degree.
• I received a liberal arts education which means I didn’t have to laser focus on one subject or topic. I was able to explore my interests, try new classes, and get a well-rounded and varied education from diverse people.
• I am driven.
• I can read, write, speak, and understand another language.

There are myriad more things I could write here, but I wanted to keep the integrity of the list and make it as similar as I could to the first one. Even in writing this list, I could already discern the positivity slowly trickling back in. By next month, I feel like it will be a flood, not a trickle. Most of the stressors I am facing will have been vanquished by then. Most of the darkness will be swallowed by light. And man, it is sure gonna feel good to have all of that behind me. With this list, I just might get there a bit sooner. By that time, I probably won’t need it any longer. This time, however, I won’t misplace it.

Current feeling: Tranquility. For perhaps the first time since the accident I am relaxed.

Current mood: Apathetic.

Currently reading: Streams of Silver by R.A. Salvatore (my mom got me this trilogy and I often find myself grinning as I read it).

Currently listening: Not a bad thing/Pair of Wings by JT